Christmas Eve
December
Cold winds blow as I walk along the
street
Lights outline buildings
Lights twinkle in the windows
People can be seen gathered around a tree, a television, a hearth
Sitting, watching, waiting
"Santa Stop Here"
Posted in a yard
beside a small tree covered in colored lights
The wind blows
I
pull up my collar
Force myself to walk slower
Look across the
street
Feel the cold
Accept the cold
Know the cold
Alone
on a night of gathering
Walking the street
Exposed to the
elements
Exposed to the gusts
Set adrift from my friends
One
gone south to be with her family
One local but putting distance
between us
Another to include me later tonight
Another to
include me tomorrow afternoon
Sad at the loss
It brought me a
drum
It brought me some moments of revealing myself to another
And
surviving
But not returning for me
Seeking refuge in the safe
patterns of A Relationship
Daily time spent together in the daily
routines of waking and washing and eating and sleeping
Sexual time
because he's there to be sexual with
Sexual expression for the
challenge of finding a way to make contact through the walls between us
Sexual contact made more skillful by its practice
Sexual passion
lost in the maze of caring too much
Afraid to push it; afraid to
show the passion
And so the passion is lost
If it ever was
there
Was this a messenger of passion
Or is there another
message here?
Care of the soul
Listen to the soul
I have
a new drum
I have seen the struggle of another man
I have seen
his walls
I have reached inside to touch his heart, briefly
I
have a body
I know delight in physical release
I have been
reminded of the physical body
Of the need to relax
Of the need
to seek shelter
Of the need to push my limits in the physical plane
One surface polished to a touch shine
Reflecting the world
Showing
little of itself other than surface blemishes that twist the reflections
My chest hurts when I breath deeply
The wrenching cough of
last month has left it's wound
I can feel the torn muscles as they
stretch
I can feel my torn heart as it beats in my chest
I CAN
FEEL
I need not be a sleepwalker
I need not be afraid to show
those feelings
There is more to showing them than the comfort of
touch
There is more to showing them than the passion of the balls
There is the long run
The pace of step after step
The physical
movement that takes the body beyond the body
On step
Onward
Pushing,
stretching, hurting, growing
The coyotes howl in my head
Their
cry echos where none but me can hear it
A flute, a drum
Sounds
from the heart
Songs from the heart
Lost
Wanderimg the
dark night
No stars for guides
no stares from cute young men
no knowing looks from wise old men
no partner to walk along side
Cold shivers up my spine
I feel the edges of my life
The
journey is underway
Willing or not, it sweeps me along
The drum beat calls me
Join in the dance
Abandon control
Be driven